Confessions/Rant

Okay, so I've been eating the Atkins way for almost 8 months (since July 1st). I've lost serious weight, dropped major inches, and am now wearing sizes that were once just a fantasy that I'd have that I was thin and in shape. By all means, I love the results. I'm down 30 pounds and I've gone from a size 14/16 to a 6/8. Amazing.

But my god, I miss carbs and sugar. I don't talk about it cause I want to show that I do indeed have "stick-to-it-evness." It's not that I approach life half-assed, it's just that the paranoid schizo person who lives in the remote reaches of my mind is convinced there are some people that would love nothing more than to see me fail. Because me as a chubby, cranky, crabby BITCH fits into the little hole they've got pegged for me. I've also never even attempted a diet before because I am so deathly afraid of failure and being less than who I can be. I was and still am, scared.

It took me longer than the regular Induction period (2 weeks) for me to enter ketosis and start losing weight. I gotta admit, when I wasn't seeing any results at all I was discouraged and ready to quit. The paranoid schizo person and Jake (who, incidentally, is not that paranoid schizo person, believe it or not) kept me keepin' on. Turns out I'm even more carb resistant than your average Jane (a nice kick in the ass from the powers that be), so eating 20 carbs a day was getting me nowhere fast. I decided to try dropping it to 15 net carbs a day, and suddenly things started working and clothes got baggier.

I mean the results are undeniable. I am thinner now than I was in high school. Yet I still look in the mirror and see myself at 180 pounds, flabby, doughy, and unattractive. People tell me all the time that I look so good and I seriously don't see it. Yet I do get satisfaction from wearing jeans that are sized 6. I've gotten used to eating the Atkins way, and its pretty easy for the most part.
And yet every time I drive by a McDonald's I fantasize for a moment about hitting the drive thru and getting a 2 cheeseburger meal with fries. I eat McD's double cheese burgers all the time, minus the buns. But I do miss those buns. The biting into the pillowy bread. The crispy saltiness of McD's fries fresh out of the fryer and almost too hot to eat.

I used to think that sugar was my major weakness, Jake said I was probably more of a carb addict than a sugar junkie. And as much as I hate to admit it, he was right. I fantasize about pizza and pasta, hamburger buns and Cinnabons, rice and Chinese food in general. Fried foods with breading. I have never been a big sliced bread person so I don't miss that so much. But it's just about everything else. Mashed potatoes with tons of beef gravy. Hell, I'm not even Jewish, and I'd kill for a latke with applesauce.

At the root of Atkins is a choice to eat foods that are lower in carbs because those foods are healthier overall. It's about losing weight easily and developing a lifelong strategy about eating. Most of us have twisted relationships with food. We cook things because it reminds us of people we used to know. We eat to comfort ourselves. How many childhood memories are like mine, sweetened with chocolate chip cookies (my mom used to buy the best ones from Shoprite), cake, ice cream, candy, Ring Dings and Yodles and Reese's peanut butter cups? Why do we do this to ourselves? Just because we don't have to leave camp to hunt for our food and harvest the crops, why do we choose to eat CRAP?

It's funny that Atkins works so well because you eat what the medical community has been pounding into our heads for generations; fat bad, carbs ok. My mom is starting the Induction phase of Atkins soon, and she can't wrap her mind around the idea that you can eat bacon and butter and cream and burgers and still lose weight. At least she gets that she needs to still eat veggies, preferrably green ones. That's another thing that slays me. People go on Atkins and have to stop because their numbers go through the roof. I mean it's not rocket science that eating 5 pounds of bacon with no salad or anything is NOT good for you.

So that's a sampling of what's on my mind today. I'd appreciate any feedback.

I'm becoming accustomed to the fact that
I will probably always crave carbs.

Especially when I think of those McDonald's french fries.